follow your heart. But always make sure you put your children first, take time and don't rush in to any thing.I'm So Confused and un happy, I don't know what to do for the best any advice would be apreciated?
I've kinda been in your situation, difference being i wasnt married to the guy and he didnt ignore us etc. The similaities are that i was in a hetty relationship i didnt want to be in and had a son, it took me a couple of yers to leave and build a life that i wanted to live, it took me a long time to accept i was gay and to move on and embark on this. And as far as being a lesbian and having children, i dont think it matters to anyone, i used to think like that and now i have a wonderful girlfriend who lives with me and my son, weve been together a couple of years and its all good for me now. I had to do what i wanted in order for me to be happy, and for my son to see this and benefit from it. I think kids pick up on atmospheres, so if your unhappy your kids may know this already deep down. Maybe a change in lifestyle would suit you and your boys better, it certainly worked for me
Good luck with your future
maybe she just got scared, and thought that if she couldnt be there for u like u needed her, u would hate her. so she just left to avoid any pain/ embaressment. that guy seems like hes ready to be there for u forever. do the same for him, happiness cannot come easy.
Your dad was wrong; a man trapped into a marriage he doesn't want will never be a good husband. Get a divorce and start over with someone who wants to be with you.
Here is the thing, when such a significant change in life occurs, you have this part of you open exposed and instead of being repressed, you allow yourself to explore it a little more. Your unhappiness is still part of your grieving process.....I have had the similar thing occur only mine was shared with a woman...I have since explored that part and found it to be the est choice for myself. Good luck and remember, your mother would rather you be happy..... and would be there for you no matter what. So please do for you!
This is a tough story, but I can't figure out what advice you're looking for?
It's not been an easy road for you and you have learned many good lessons that should be coming to mind right now. Im sure through all the bullying you have learned that being backed into a corner is not a good feeling. That might be what your husband is going through. He may feel backed into this with no way out. Try to put yourself in his shoes too.
You both made a child together and that choice comes with consequences and responsibilities. You both need to sit down and discuss the situation and what you feel is best for your child. Whether that is staying together or splitting but the two of you need to talk honestly and openly about where things are and what is best for all of you.
I know from personal experience that the long hours and finding excuses not to be home are probably his way of dealing with something he can't deal with. It is better in his mind to not be around than to keep things bottled up and not deal with things. It was always my hope that my boyfriend would have picked up on the clues and ask to talk about things, but he didn't until after we split.
My advice is to talk to him and see if you can both arrive at a mature decision that is best for all of you. Best of Luck.
Whatever has happened, and however different it might have been, your husband has been truly caring of you at an earlier point and there is a real chance that you and he could work something out that would be OK for everyone. The crucial thing here is the welfare of your two children, so that they can continue to have a mother and a father and not feel that they have to choose between you.
So, first off - please be really careful not to run down your husband to your boys. Secondly, arrange a babysitter and go somewhere that the two of you can talk uninterrupted. Tell him that you're unhappy with how things are, that he doesn't seem happy with the relationship himself, and ask him if he's willing to work with you to find a solution that will be as good as possible for all four of you. If you can, if it feels real for you now, do tell him how much you appreciated his support and love when it mattered over your mum's death. Tell him you realise the two of you were rather pushed into marriage and you appreciate the fact that he acted honourably, as he saw it, at the time. See what he has to say about the situation and work together to find a way for you both to have a more fulfilling sort of life and for the children to have access to both of you. This isn't going to happen overnight and may be painful and difficult, may include rows and misunderstandings. Make sure all of this happens well away from the boys - and I DON'T mean downstairs while they're upstairs in bed, because children have astonishingly acute hearing and they pick up atmospheres.
There are many possibilities for outcomes. You might choose to continue living together in one house but acknowledging that you're no longer in a committed sexual relationship. You may have a house than can be divided in some way so you can lead more separate lives. If so, you may want to agree between you whether any other relationship either of you gets involved in must be conducted away from the shared home, or whether you could feel comfortable with new partners being in the house. If so, do sort out well ahead of time what the limits to this are (eg I don't suppose you'd be delighted to find your husband and his new girlfriend cavorting in the kitchen, or for his girlfriend to be at a shared family meal - and he will probably feel the same about you and any new partner you have.)
Alternatively, you might decide to live separately and share custody and residency of the children. If so, if you can live near each other it will make life incredibly much easier for the boys - being able to move easily between one home and the other, being able to be in either place during the school week etc will help them feel they're not having to split themselves. But above all, I repeat, make a vow (both you and your husband) not to run each other down to the children, not to let them be aware of difficulties or misunderstandings. Treat each other with absolute respect and as much affection as you can muster when the children are anywhere around.
Finally, don't assume that because of the intense and loving experience you had with the girl at university that you will necessarily find yourself wanting to be with a woman again. You may well do, but don't straitjacket yourself before you've had a chance to be free of the marriage in whatever way that transpires, a chance to stretch your wings and find out who you are in the here and now. And don't bring a new partner in to your children's lives until you are pretty sure it's a long-term business - it's too difficult for them if they bond with a new woman or man only to have them vanish a few weeks later.
Good luck and I really hope you can work things out with your husband in a way you are both happy with.
EDIT: I forgot to add - plenty of women will want you with your children and your history. It is absolutely no bar to a good and fulfilling lesbian relationship. I know many lesbians who have left marriages and have got into long-term relationships. Working out stuff around the children can be complicated, but the woman who loves you will form a relationship with them as well.
Dear teddybear154@btinter...,
Well sweetie, I looks like you never took care of you and you always wanted to be protected, and you look for protection where there was no shelter at all.
Today you have two kids that barely have a father figure and a mommy that at the bottom of her heart is not happy and they feel that even though you never tell them.
The problem here is that those kids are at stake here, it is no longer only you, so my bet is that you should do what is really better for them.
Yes if you gather a bunch of options choose the one that is THE VERY BEST for your kids.
Your husband sounds like a twat. This is not the way a woman should be treated. It's no wonder you feel confused. Discuss things between yourselves and find out if he is willing to change his ways. Why should you be forced to live so unhappily. You have 2 gorgeous sons now. Do you think that your possible depression or unhappiness will do them any good or will they grow up with memories of their mammy always being unhappy and their daddy never showing them any love or time. As for your fears of never meeting anyone else.... concentrate on stabilising a happy life for you and your sons for now and let things take their course in the future. It's 2008......would you have the same fears if you were heterosexual? probably not. I hope you're dealing with your grief for your mam. Things will work out if you're strong and decisive. Try to make sure that you have the support of some trustworthy friends. All the best...
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